i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
