i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
