i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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