My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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