All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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