that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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