apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize