oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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