mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
