My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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