Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
