I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize