I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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