I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
