Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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