he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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