it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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