I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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