I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you didnt know i had herpes?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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