Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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