We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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