she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
