I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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