I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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