They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
