I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Is Oprah even human
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
