i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
