I showed him my bush... on skype.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
