god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
