Your face is a jimmy john
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
