I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
