I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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