There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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