Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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