You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just found puke in my bra..
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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