I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you didnt know i had herpes?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
