i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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