I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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