dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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