There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
