I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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