while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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