How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
