I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Vodka?
Forever.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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