That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Houston, we have a blender
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
