I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
