I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
