Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
