I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Randomize
