is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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