He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
