just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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