I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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