so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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