true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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