Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
