My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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