yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sobbing to NWA
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
