It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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