Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize