who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
